It’s October, my favorite month of the year!
Partially due to the fact that my birthday is this month, but also because I love this time of the year,
the colors are changing, the rain is falling and my coats are out in full swing.
So for a number of reasons, but mainly because October is my birth-month,
every Tuesday this month, I’m going to be sharing a post about my life,
some will be travel related, some won’t,
but in the end, they will show who I am and what I’m all about.
Today I’m sharing something that I don’t touch much about on the blog,
but something that those in my daily life are well aware of.
It’s not a topic that is often well received,
but it’s the truth and throughout October as I’m sharing more about myself,
I think this is the perfect opportunity to start the discussion and talk about something
many don’t want to talk about.
I don’t want children of my own.
There it is, that uncomfortable topic that so many don’t quite know how to approach.
I’ve heard pretty much every reaction by now, from shock to judgement to pure confusion.
I kept this thought to myself for many years, afraid of the reaction, afraid of the judgement,
but ultimately as I grew up, I realized that I’m not living for anyone else,
I’m living this life for me,
and this is something that is my choice and my choice alone.
I don’t worry much anymore about the reactions I get from that statement,
though I definitely still get reactions,
I’ve come to realize that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks,
it matters only how Nick and I feel about the topic.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve never been the girl that fantasized about the day when I could start a family of my own, I don’t look at babies and wish I had one,
and while I admire others for being good parents, it’s never something I’ve aspired to be.
And the truth is, I firmly believe that if that’s not something you want to do with your life,
if it won’t make you happy, then it’s not helping anyone to go ahead and do it anyway.
That is a recipe for regret and for a very long, unhappy life,
and I believe that everyone should do what makes them happy and we should respect each other for making that choice about what that might be.
We all have our own definitions for what we want our lives to be,
I just want mine to be a little bit different than most.
I want different things for my life, things that will fulfill me in a way having children might for others.
I want to see the world, I want to step on every continent, I want to explore new areas of the world and work to promote tolerance and peace.
I want to push my boundaries, both physically and emotionally,
I want to spread love.
I want to grow old with Nick as we make our way around the world,
and I want to end our lives somewhere that means something to us,
looking back on a life full of memories and adventures.
People tell me all the time that I’ll change my mind,
that one day it will hit me and I’ll want to have kids,
and that might be true, but I don’t think so.
I know myself all too well and at the end of the day, it’s not a vision I have for my future.
So this month while I’m sharing a little bit about my personal life,
I want to end with this…
we all, and especially between women, should always respect each other for the decisions we make.
We never know what it’s like in someone else’s heart, someone else’s mind.
May we remember that we all have our own paths,
we all have our own futures ahead and they will not all be the same.
But just because they aren’t the same, doesn’t meet they are any less worthwhile.
Dannielle says
Thank you soooo much for writing this! It’s exactly how I feel, and I feel like lately I’ve been judged a lot for it. Probably because I’m that age that people expect me to get married and have kids, or have already started. I think people should learn to respect other people’s choices and not be so judgemental if it isn’t the same as their own.
Casey Martin says
I think you’re right, it’s this time in our lives where other people feel like we should be living out a prescribed path, but like you said, not everyone will make the same choices and we need to respect that!
Chantal says
I think it’s better to realize this now than before one has a child and then regrets it, you know? I always knew I wanted children, though only a couple, and I have to say that now that I have one it is terribly rewarding but so so difficult!
Casey Martin says
Yes, totally. I wouldn’t want to to into being a mother if my heart wasn’t in it, which it’s not. But so glad you find it rewarding! 🙂
Amy Lee Scott says
Casey, I loved that you wrote this! Having children, or not having children, is a big decision but at the end of the day if you go with your gut I really think it all turns out beautifully in the end 🙂 I’m also on the fence about children, which is odd since I love them so much. And you are totally right–we just need to respect people’s decisions, even if they don’t match the path we are on. Great post!
Casey Martin says
I love that first line of your comment… and so so true. Just because I choose a different path doesn’t mean my life will end up being any less valuable in the end. Respect is so key, we shouldn’t judge each other for the paths we choose to take.
Kayla C says
I love the last paragraph and totally agree. This should be a choice between each couple, not for anyone else to decide for you, your marriage and your body. I’m undecided on the subject I suppose, I know I’m definitely not ready now, but maybe someday I’ll change my mind. I think that’s what’s important for me is to never shut doors on big decision, we grow and change a little all of the time. But good for you for sticking by how you feel and what you and Nick are happy with and also your dreams, your vision of your future together sounds really great! I’m definitely with you on wanting to see the world! Great post Casey!
Kayla C says
p.s. Happy early birthday!! October is also my birthday month!
Casey Martin says
Thank you Kayla! 🙂 I feel like so many bloggers’ bdays are this month 🙂
Jenn @ A Country Girl's World says
Favorite post ever! I also don’t want kids. Partly because I feel that I am too selfish for kids, and I can admit it. Also, I just have no desire to be pregnant or to look after another person for the rest of my life. I want to have the freedom to pick up and move somewhere amazing if the opportunity presents itself, I want to be able to do exciting things when I travel that I can’t do if I have a child with me. I also get every reaction in the book including the look like I just admitted to murder. I also get told that I will change my mind. That really bugs me because most of the time, it’s people who don’t know me that say that. People close to me say they could never see me as a mother, it’s just not who I am. We also decided that if we do want children one day, that we will adopt because there are so many children out there who need a home. Again, great post and thank you for sharing 🙂
Casey Martin says
Ahh… the judgements that come, some of them are so mean aren’t they? I have heard it all, finally I realized that I was going to put my foot down and just tell them the truth, no matter their reaction. But I agree with you, if someday I do change my mind, I think I would look at adoption as well. But that’s a very big “if” down the road. But so glad to hear you’ve been through this too!
Jenn @ A Country Girl's World says
Yeah, I have gotten some really rude remarks. Funny story: right after I read this and went to work one of the girls who is pregnant was talking about her Kidney stones which were likely caused by the pregnancy and how she is over pregnancy, and I said “add that to the 54534092 reason I really don’t want kids” and one of the guys said, “you’re only 24, you’ll change your mind” (and this guy is younger than me). I just gave him a death stare and walked away. And yes, the whole adoption thing is a very, very big if, but people change so maybe I will have a change of heart, but I’m not holding my breath. It is definitely nice to know that others feel the same way and that I am not the only one 🙂
Shannon at Beginnings in Bayern says
I liked this post. I feel like kids are like a face tattoo-something you should be really sure about before you decide to do it. If you have other plans, then go for that! I’m around lots of people with kids and sometimes feel like the odd one out, but it ultimately a decision me and my husband will make when the time is right for US not anyone else. Thanks for sharing!
Casey Martin says
Totally… it’s something that changes your world and for me, I feel like it’s not something that will make me any happier than other things I have planned for my life. But like you said, it’s about making that choice thats right for you, no one else.
Blush and Barbells says
That’s all right, I’ve never wanted kids either. I’ve never really had reactions like-OMG why not?!
So I think society agrees with me, that it’s the right decision 😀
Casey Martin says
Really? That’s great!
Kate B says
I have a number of friends that don’t want children and people often scrutinize them because they are “being selfish”, or they’re met with, “yeah, that will change”. I can’t say I’m in the same boat– I want lots of babies– but that doesn’t mean that everyone does. And if you don’t want children of your own, all for that. That just means you get to be the super awesome aunt that spoils your favourite nieces and nephews (I totally have one of those, and she is literally the best person ever). Haha!
Casey Martin says
Totally!! I always say that I’ll be the aunt that takes my nieces/nephews on adventures all around the world with me 🙂
Jess says
Just found your blog and I applaud and respect your decision! I’m so fickle and go back and forth on so many issues, that I always admire someone who knows what she wants and who she is. Good for you!
Casey Martin says
Thank you!
Kayleigh thewayiwanderlust says
This a very honest post. Its wonderful. It is also a topic I avoid because of the reactions I get. I can’t see myself ever having kids. I to want a different life, but I am happy for my friends who wants kids or all ready have them. My favourite quote would be from Eat Pray Love – Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face, you kind of have to be fully committed.
Casey Martin says
Thank you for honesty too! I used to avoid it, but I’ve come to realize that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks… do what you want and live a full life regardless if you have kids or not! 🙂
Amanda says
Good for you, knowing what you want and sticking to it!
jalan2liburan says
Life is free, as well your opinion and what you want for your life 🙂
Megan says
While I definitely want children one day soon (and Stephen would just die if I didn’t want children, poor lad) I completely respect and understand your decision not to. I have had moment of complete and utter terror at the idea of having children, and while I know in my heart its something I want, I am still scared, and I get why certain women would decide against it. I have friends who dont want children, and I knew an older couple (late 50s) who never had kids and they were happy as clams with no regrets. Thanks for being brave and honest about a topic where your choice might not be the most popular one.
Casey Martin says
Thanks Megan! That’s the thing, I know so many people that have chosen not to have children and have lived full and amazing lives. It’s to each their own, and we should accept each other for the choices we make. Thanks so much for your kind words! 🙂
Erika says
Hello Casey
I discovered your blog via Treasure Tromps and I love it.
I totally relate to your statement ” I don’t foresee myself having children of my own and it’s taken me many years to feel comfortable throwing that fact out there”…I’m 36 with no kids and when I tell people that I just enjoy my life the way it is now most of them think I’m nuts or selfish for not having kids. I’m sure parenthood is great for some people but It’s not for everybody. A person should do what makes him/her happy. I’m glad my husband shares my idea of our life together, just the two of us 🙂
Great post!
Regards,
Erika
Casey Martin says
Thank you Erika! And welcome! And I so agree with you, we’re lucky to have husbands who share our views and are happy with our lives just together 🙂
Lauren says
Found your blog through Megan Graham’s tweet! 🙂 Here’s my thing about those people who are judging you and telling you you will change your mind (as if they know you better than you know yourself): misery loves company. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely people who really love their child-ed life and wouldn’t have it any other way so they truly are inquisitive. But those are the people who are comfortable in their choice and for the most part accept that you are comfortable in yours and respect you. The people that are the pushiest, IMHO, are the ones that are a little insecure in THEIR decision. They may actually feel deep inside like they chose the wrong life but have to pretend it is peachy keen and THE BEST LIFE EVER YOU HAVE TO. My husband and I are on the fence with plenty of time to decide, but pregnancy is probably going to be a no for me. Adoption is a distant possibility. Don’t hide behind your choice and do not be ashamed for who you are and the life you are choosing to live. Wonderful post! Best wishes!