For many years after moving back to the States from Saudi, I felt sort of ashamed of being American,
and maybe ashamed isn’t the right word, but I felt just wrong calling myself truly American,
wrong carrying a blue American passport because I didn’t really feel “American.”
Growing up overseas, that was home, that was my whole life,
so when we left and came back “home” to the States, I felt a pull from each place,
moments in the States where I felt so different from everyone else that I thought there was no way
I was really American, at least not like everyone else.
It took many years to get rid of that constant feeling of being different, not really American,
but not Saudi either and therein lies the rub of a Third Culture Kid.
Even years later when I started traveling internationally again, first to South Korea for work,
and then subsequent trips with Nick like our honeymoon to London and Paris,
I always felt shy of my American passport and my American accent when traveling overseas.
I hid my passport in a passport cover, I didn’t speak as much around as I usually would because
I didn’t want to let out that American accent.
And while this might seem silly to some, you have to understand that I grew up in a world
very unsure of what being an “American” meant.
I also had a very different understanding of what “American” meant outside of the US than most kids,
and the role my country played in the world really molded my views and I saw it first hand.
“American” isn’t always a great thing to be abroad,
especially in certain places and while I always felt safe in Saudi and traveling around as a child,
in the back of my mind I sort of always knew that being
especially in certain places and while I always felt safe in Saudi and traveling around as a child,
in the back of my mind I sort of always knew that being
American in the Middle East (especially during our time there while the Gulf War was brewing and the aftermath), we were a target to many.
I think also being “American” for me as a child has no connotation,
I didn’t really know what that meant. And while I studied American history in school and we still celebrated 4th of July every year, none of it really connected for me because I was mixed between 2 very different cultures.
I think it wasn’t until these last couple years that I finally embraced my American passport,
that I don’t feel the need to hide the USA stamp on the cover, that I don’t hinder my American accent,
that I am finally strong enough to embrace all that being “American” implies abroad.
I’ve finally realized that being “American” is a dream of many,
that my country, though while we definitely have our issues,
offers us freedoms others only ever dream about.
I think that as I’ve traveled more as an adult, I’ve seen a lot of the world in the last few years and the more I see, the more I feel proud to be American.
I feel proud to call this country my current home and while it may not always be,
it’s finally become a true part of who I am.
So now, while I may try to embrace the local customs and language when I travel,
even though I speak in French in France, when someone asks if I’m American,
I respond with a resounding, “Yes, I’m American,”
letting my accent and English tongue escape freely.
letting my accent and English tongue escape freely.
Interested in reading more about my childhood in Saudi Arabia?
See all of my posts on the country!
Helene in Between says
I can only imagine it must be hard to identify with who you are and where your true roots are. but the great thing about america is that it is a melting pot for us all.
Casey Martin says
You’re so right! And that’s exactly what I’ve come to realize over the years!
Yuen Lim says
I’m a third culture kid too! My parents are from Malaysia, but I moved to Vietnam when I was 2 and was basically schooled there in an international school for the rest of my lives (I’m 17 at the moment). So although I feel more at home in Vietnam, I can never really submerge myself in its culture, and whilst in Malaysia, I still feel like a tourist!
Casey Martin says
Such an interesting TCK story and so glad to hear from you! 🙂
Zia says
So I’m not actually a third culture kid, but you know what, I’ve always wanted to live abroad when I was a kid, and always jealous of the kids that go to international schools because they can interact with people from the different nationalities, and you get to see different perspectives of the world. But nope, I was stuck in my country, and was nurtured in (pretty much) a single view of the way to see the world, until I became an exchange student in the US which really opened my eyes. Now I also go to an international university in Germany, and I enjoy my life here. I guess the same coin have two different sides.
Zia of Bits Of Germany
Casey Martin says
So interesting to hear your story! And yes, you’re so right, there is always a flip side to every story as well! Thanks for your fantastic comment!
Danielle E. Alvarez says
I’m not a third culture kid, but having spent more time abroad than the average American, I understand exactly what you’re saying. I think you articulated the struggle and subsequent acceptance perfectly. Beautiful post.
Casey Martin says
Thank you so much! And yes, I think it’s much the same for people who have spent much time abroad… often it’s hard to find your niche!
Kate says
I’ve met a few Americans that felt like this whilst traveling when they realised how the rest of the world can perceive Americans at times. I think it’s important to be yourself because every American I’ve met has changed my opinion entirely 🙂
Kate | Diaries of an Essex Girl
Casey Martin says
Ahh thank you! I think that’s true, that many times it’s the people who don’t know Americans that feel such negativity toward the States.
Chantal says
I worry about traveling as an American for safety reasons too. But really, we should all embrace where we’re from!
Casey Martin says
That’s a good point too!
Emskibeach says
What an interesting post – I’m from the UK and have lived here all my life so it’s so interesting to hear others opinions on how they grew up in different cultures.
Glad you are finally learning to embrace your American roots.
x
Casey Martin says
Thank you! I’m glad to hear you though it interesting. As I always love to hear stories of those that has lived somewhere their whole life, that to me is the other side of the coin I’ve never gotten to experience!
Melanie Fontaine says
I’m glad you can finally embrace being American! 🙂 I think growing up between two cultures (or more) can let some questions about identity arise: I was born and raised in Germany and have a German passport, but my mother is Chinese. I don’t feel Chinese at all, but I do have ties that go beyond the border of my home country, so while I would always refer to myself as German, that really isn’t the whole picture. In my teens I used to entertain the thought of me being a cosmopolitan – I always felt simply as a person in this world, not more, but not less. And in part, that is still true today.
I don’t think we should let our nationality define us: It may be true that a lot of Germans behave a certain way, while French or Japanese or whatever behave in a different way, but in the end we’re just being who we are. No two people – even if they grew up in the same culture – are the same. In the end, a passport is just a piece of paper that allocates us to a certain group of people, but there’s so much variation that it’s impossible to say that one must be a certain way to be ‘American’ or ‘German’.
xx
Melanie
Casey Martin says
I couldn’t agree with you more! I’ve always sort of felt like a “child of the world” rather than of 1 country or nationality. And even though both of my parents are American, I also feel very different from them just because of my experiences as a kid, in ways that even they as adult expats experienced the Middle East so differently as well. Fantastic comment, thank you!
ifs ands Butts says
It’s always a tough thing. Living abroad has certainly made me embarrassed of American travelers and their sneakers and loud talking, but then again I know that used to be me and try and remember that I still am American and no matter what crap is going on there, it is still a great, safe place to live and work.
Casey Martin says
Yea totally. I think also, being in the Middle East for so many years, so much was publicized there about the States that it made me unsure about my country because I had never lived there, I didn’t know different. But you also bring up a good point, that no matter what is happening, it’s still a great country!