Land Of Marvels

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Finding Home

We’re starting the week here off a little bit personal today.  I don’t talk about Portland nearly enough on the blog here and my home city is one that’s pretty special and I think I should definitely highlight it more.  It’s a place that has finally become a true home for me over the years and a place I love dearly.

I’ve talked before about my search for a home for many years, the way that after leaving Saudi Arabia as a young girl, no where ever truly felt right until Portland.  For many years I felt like I was floating, like no where really held roots for me.  When we left Saudi, we knew full well we’d probably never be back and with their strict visa requirements, it would be difficult to ever return, even as a tourist and even then, we probably wouldn’t be able to get back on the compound I grew up on.  I left Saudi as a 12 year old girl knowing that the home I spent my entire childhood in, that stucco house with marroon carpet and a nail polish stain on the wall in the downstairs bathroom, would never again be part of my life.  I left knowing that the beach on the Persian Gulf that we spent so much time on, the small man-made reef that we snorkeled through, the restaurants, the people, the feeling of my childhood home, I knew I’d never see it again.  And through the years, that weighed down upon me.  I envied the people I met whose parents still lived in their childhood home.  I felt adrift for a long time.

So when I moved to Portland for college, there was something about the city that immediately held me.  I immediately felt like I had found my real home, a place that I fit, a place that I felt whole again.  It was a feeling I hadn’t had since leaving Saudi 6 years earlier.  This city, that I still call home, has been a constant in my ever evolving life and it’s a place that I have come back to again and again, even when life took me elsewhere.  
What I’ve come to find is that “home,” at least for me, is a fluid concept.  It doesn’t have to be a childhood home you still go back to visit, a house full of memories.  It doesn’t have to be one place that you’ve always known.  Home is about how you feel, what memories it evokes, and a place that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel understood, that makes you feel complete.
Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time away from Portland.  I lived in Honolulu for a couple years after college, I spent a lot of time working in Korea, I’ve traveled a lot, near and far, but in the end I still get that feeling when returning to Portland.  I still feel like this is truly and finally home.  I don’t know that I’ll always be here, but I do know that I’ll always come back to this city in the end, because it’s the one place in the world that has become such a constant for me, it’s the one place that holds a very special part of my heart.

Comments

  2. I agree! Home isn’t necessarily your parent’s house just because you spend so much time there. For me home is a place where I completely feel at ease and this can be anywhere in the world!

  3. Such a lovely post, Casey! I’m glad that you have found a place that is a constant for you in your life, no matter where your travels or your work take you. I think there are some places that we just instantly click with!

    • I agree and for years, I hated that question. Now, I just know that question is complicated for me and it has a complicated answer.

  9. Love this! Even when I’ve not really felt like I’m “home” I’ve learned that it’s important to seek out little ways to make it more home like.

    • Thanks Rachel! 🙂 I agree, that’s a great quote. I have one similar with one of our wedding photos in it. I think it says “it doesn’t matter where you go, it’s who is beside you that counts.”

  11. Home is such a fickle concept, especially, I think, for those of us who were raised cross-culturally. I’m half-Hispanic and grew up in two different communities before going to college in a third, and that’s when I had particular difficulty determining what home was supposed to look and feel like. I really love how you’ve phrased it: home is fluid. There are different aspects of home that I think we need in greater strength at different parts of our lives, and a fluid concept of home fits well with that.

    • You’re so right, home doesn’t always mean a house on a map, it’s a much deeper meaning than that and like you said, we also need different things from the idea of “home” in different parts of our lives, so true.

  12. What a special home!

    I always feel like I have two homes now. When I fly to Houston, I feel like I’m going home and when I fly back to Germany, I feel the same. Home is where the heart is and it sure can be in many places!

    • Yes, very special indeed. I know what you mean too about having 2 homes, I think when we live our lives in many places we tend to pick up homes through the years and that’s really a pretty incredible thing if you ask me!

  13. This was a beautiful post to read, especially because I’m having an “I miss Seattle” day right now and am really grappling with the concept of home. But you’re right, the idea of home is fluid, and just because we may not be living there at the moment doesn’t mean that it’s less special to us. Thank you, this is just what I needed to hear today 🙂

    • Thanks so much Courtney and I’m so glad it was what you needed to hear 🙂 I think the most important thing is to embrace wherever we are at the moment, take it all in and know that even though it might not be where we are forever, it’s a pretty special place right now.

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