If there is one thing that comes up more often than anything else in my life, it’s the subject of having kids. I can’t tell you how many times I hear “you guys will want to be having kids soon right?” or “you better travel all you can now before you have kids.” And it seems, without even really knowing it, that a lot of people just assume that every woman should have kids, that because I’m almost 31 years old that I should start having kids, that because we travel a lot now, that we’re doing it to get it out of our system before we have kids and “settle down.”
To all the women reading this, I’ll say this loud and clear: it’s ok to want to travel instead of having kids. It’s ok to want other things from your life. It’s ok to want a career or a life full of adventures instead of having kids. It’s ok to be a woman and not want children of your own. As women, we should be supporting each other’s choices instead of judging them. And my choice is to travel, far and wide, instead of having children of my own, plain and simple.
You see, I’ve never felt the urge to have kids of my own. I’ve never held a baby and thought, “oh I want one of my own” or played with my nieces and said “I can’t wait until I have kids of my own.” I’ve heard for a long time, “you’ll change your mind.” And while I would never say never, I can say with a pretty significant certainty that I know myself and I know what makes me happy – and kids aren’t the answer for me.
Often times in our society, women are made to feel selfish for not wanting to have kids and it’s often just assumed that as a woman, that a large part of our lives is to raise a family of our own. For me, my decision to not have children stems from quite a few different reasons and whatever our reasons are (and everyone’s are unique to them), doesn’t mean that I’m missing out on something in my life. In fact, I truly believe that I’m gaining experiences that women who do have kids might miss out on, that I can offer something different to the world, and still no less meaningful than having kids. I don’t judge my friends and family for wanting to have kids, nor should I be judged for the opposite choice.
Growing up, I never dreamed of having kids of my own or coming up with names for future children I might have someday. Instead I dreamed of traveling the globe, of seeing and experiencing different places and people all around the world. So if you’re reading this and nodding your head, feeling the same frustrations I’ve felt over many many years of being judged for a choice I made long ago, then just know that I feel you. I’ve been there. I’ve been accosted by people I don’t know, I’ve been questioned, I’ve been told I’m wrong and that I don’t know what I’m talking about. And yet, I wholeheartedly believe that as women, we need to stand up and support each other, no matter what our choices are for the lives we want to create. So if you want to travel (or whatever your dream may be) instead of having kids? Make the choice that’s right for you and I’m here to say, more power to you!
Krystal // The Krystal Diaries says
I never dreamed of having kids of mine own either. I’m 30 now and married and everyone assumes I need to hurry up and have children before my eggs get to old. I don’t know if I want kids or not but I do know if I eventually decide I want kids that doesn’t mean my life will stop either or I’ll “settle down”. Instead I’ll just learn to adapt and bring the child with me on my trips. After all shouldn’t kids get to travel too if their families can afford it? I hate being told enjoy it all now because once you have kids it all stops. Whether I want kids or not I also don’t think having kids is the negative burden some make it out to be.
Casey says
Totally… the major thing is that we should just be supporting each other no matter what our choice on having children is. Either way, we should have a support system and assume one way of life is better over another!
Jenn says
I always have to comment on your posts about not wanting kids because I’m right there with you. If Josh and I ever do decide to have kids, it will be through adoption and we definitely will definitely still travel and do fun things. There is a guy I work with now who just doesn’t understand why having kids isn’t a priority for me and why I’m totally fine if I never have them. He actually said at one point that once I get to 28 I’ll feel my biological clock start ticking, at which point I look him in the eye and was like “dude, I am 28”. Honestly, it’s become a source of amusement for me because I’ve become so exhausted with getting angry anytime someone tells me how I should live my life. I agree with you, we should all support each other in our life choices.
Casey says
The comments about the biological clock ticking are so insensitive… first of all, coming from men, that just irks me. But secondly, I’ve been told my whole adult life, you’ll hit an age and change your mind… well I’m almost 31 and nothing is changing… at some point, I think people need to understand that just because it was that way for them, doesn’t mean it will be that way for me. We just need to support each other’s choices, even if we don’t understand them!
Cameron Calhoun says
This is so encouraging! I’m turning 32 in December, and the questions just keep getting more and more frequent. My husband and I are enjoying each other’s company, and our favorite hobby is travelling the world together. Children have never been a priority for me, and people have a way of making you feel guilty without even realizing they’re doing it.
http://www.thetypeatravelerblog.com
Casey says
It really is crazy how much more they come when we’re in our 30’s… and what’s wrong with living the life you want?! And yes totally, the comments make us feel horrible which we shouldn’t have to deal with. I’ve learned to let them roll off me over the years, but every once in a while, it really still gets to me!
Emily of Em Busy Living says
Yes to this! You have every right to do as you want without question!
Honestly, the habit of bringing up peoples’ reproductive choices as common small talk needs to end. While I do want kids, I “didn’t want kids yet” for quite a while. Hearing people ask about something that was so personal (and quite frankly none of their business) over and over and over again was infuriating. Now that we’re ready, and struggling to conceive, these questions are not only infuriating but also a source of sadness. People just need to mind their own business and let people live their lives; it’s not a personal affront to those people that we chose differently than them.
Also,”get traveling out of the way before kids”? As though you can’t just pick them up and take them with you…
Casey says
You bring up such an important point also, that fertility in general is a really sensitive subject whether you want kids or not, and people don’t take that into consideration!
Diana Maria says
What an amazingly brave post! You are completely right, and you have the right to feel any way in which you do. It can be difficult making choices that are best for us when we constantly see what others are doing, and what we think we “should” be doing. I think if you don’t let that affect you and stick to what it is that makes you happy, that’s all that matters.
Not every woman wants kids- that’s totally acceptable and I don’t think we should ever be shamed for that or made to feel like less of a woman. If you want to travel, travel. It doesn’t mean you’re missing out- I agree wholeheartedly, you’re having entirely new experiences others can not have. It all depends on what makes YOU happy!
Thank you for this honest and deep post xx
Sending light & love your way,
My Lovelier Days | Bloglovin’
Casey says
Totally. I think so much of the time people make decisions because that’s what everyone else is doing, instead of standing up and saying, that’s not for me. Let’s just all support each other in what makes all of us happy individually! 🙂
Kay R. says
I want kids but don’t think anyone should be told if or when they should have them. Im an attorney and spent my 20’s building my career. I’m now engaged at 32 and everyone is like “kids immediately!!!” and I’m like….. would you guy chill! I mean I really want them, but leave my womb to me…
Casey says
Totally. It’s our choice, leave us alone! 🙂
Rachael - Seachange Okinawa says
Great post! I think you’ve made a completely valid life choice by not having kids. I don’t think anyone should think that having kids is somehow the be-all and end-all for women. I have a child, and sure, I think he’s the best, but I also think a kid-free life is also an awesome choice! Do whatever you want with the one life you have and enjoy it 🙂
Casey says
I love your thought in that kids aren’t the be-all and end-all for women… so so true! Each of us are just living the life that’s right for us, kids or no kids, let’s just support each other!
MLC1989 says
Good post! Someone said something similar to me the other day, simply because I mentioned that my partner and I are looking to buy a house soon and kids are *typically* the natural progression from that… and instead I rattled off about 8 big trips I want to do BEFORE I even consider kids. Everyone’s life journey is unique and makes different stops at different points…. there are some stops you choose not to make at certain times (or ever!) and that is OKAY. It’s your life!
Casey says
I love the thought, everyone’s life journey is unique. I think a lot of times people forget that or are scared to go outside the “norm.” I personally love being different from the masses, not that that is a reason I chose not to have kids, but it’s empowering to live your own life and do what makes sense for you!
Kristin says
Everyone always wants to ask about kids. But when you think about Marie Curie, Serena Williams, Charlotte and Emily Bronte, Mary Shelley, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Oprah Winfrey, and a whole host of other famous and notable women…does anyone know how many of them had kids and who didn’t? No. No one cares. They did amazing things. Raising children is amazing, but it is far from the only amazing thing a person can do.
Casey says
This is a great point. I think it’s really important for women especially to differentiate the idea that living an incredible life doesn’t have to involve having kids and while that might be for some women, it’s not for all of us.
Kayti Clayton says
I love this. I don’t care if people think it’s selfish, I’m just not done living my life for myself. Sometimes I feel like someday I might want children, but I feel like by the time that actually happens I won’t even be capable of having my own anymore
Casey says
Yea… I hate the connotation that because there are many things we want to do for ourselves that it’s selfish. It’s just another way of looking at the world and that’s totally ok!
terra says
Could not agree more. Before I got divorced, people would always ask me when we were going to start having babies and I usually told them that I didn’t think we were going to have any, that we had other things in life we wanted to do besides have children, and people were so often horrified by the idea and would either ask if my husband approved of that idea (ugh) or assured me that I would definitely change my mind at some point. But, here I am – at 33 – and I’m pretty sure the baby boat is not for me, and that’s totally ok.
Casey says
It’s odd isn’t it that people are so horrified at the idea of women choosing not to have kids? I’ve always thought that it’s such a weird reaction… I would never react that way to someone else’s life choices.