Over the years of this space here on the internet, I’ve always been honest.  I’ve shared when I’ve been heartbroken and when world issues are important.  I’ve shared my joys and I’ve shared my struggles.  And these days, like many of you I’m sure, I’m feeling a deep sadness and have been for a long while now.  Call it depression, call it anxiety, call it whatever you want, but like so many others, I’m struggling deeply with everything life is throwing at me right now.  Life in 2020 is difficult no matter how you slice it and I truly believe that looking back years from now, we’ll all wonder how we even made it through.  It’s one of those years that will be written about for future generations, one of those time periods in history where much hopefully comes from it but it was those of us that are living through it, that will remember the struggles to get there.

I’ve always felt emotion really deeply.  I feel things more than I should, deeper than I can sometimes handle.  And in the midst of a global pandemic, historic civil rights movements, personal loss and a handful of different family issues, my heart feels broken these days.  A deep sadness has taken root inside of me in the last few months and I’m having a hard time letting it go, I’m having a hard time breaking free from the collective pain of the world, from the feelings of loss and grief, from letting go of toxic people in my life that I know I need to in order to gain the peace I so desperately need.

The thing about sadness, that feeling that you feel deep in your soul, when the tears won’t go away, when the panic and anxiety are building, sometimes it feels impossible to let it go.  It feels impossible to find a way out, to actually take the steps needed to climb out of the darkness.  Mental health isn’t talked about nearly enough and I would bet that there are many of you out there reading this, that feel the same thing I’m sharing.  As a society, as a world, we’re living through tumultuous times.  Our lives upended for who knows how long, our brothers and sisters asking for understanding of their collective pain, our world unsure of what’s next.  All of that is enough to make all of us feel like we’re spinning, with no end in sight.  Then add to that, all of the individual pain that we’re experiencing in our personal lives.  The losses, the grief, the people that continue to show no empathy towards anyone else.  Add to that the disappointments and the sadness of relationships ended. And suddenly, the hearts that were fractured, they break little by little.

I’ve been struggling with how to how to climb out of this sadness, how to make my way back to hope.  And in that search, I’ve realized that the things that got me here, the personal things at least, I’ve felt the hurt and the pain, I’ve let myself feel what I need to feel and now, now I need to let it go.  I need to remove the people from my life that have caused some of it and I need to draw a line in the sand for the others that know me going forward.

For a long time, I haven’t been the glass half full person I have always been in the past.  I haven’t been the hopeful person I used to be.  And I miss that person, I miss the way I used to look at the world and at the people around me.  I miss believing in the good.  And so in the art of letting go, we must find a way out of what we’re feeling.  There comes a point when those feelings just aren’t serving any purpose anymore except allowing more hurt, more pain into your life.  There comes a point when you have to look out into the world and find a way to let it go.  And so this is me today, letting it go.  Letting go of the pain, the hurt, the disappointments.  Letting go of the people who serve no purpose in my life other than to cause pain.  Letting go of the relationships that obviously meant more to me than the other party.  Letting go of the power over anyone else to make me feel a certain way, to get back to who I am and to stand up for myself.

I share this today so that even if just one person out there is reading this and nodding along and feeling the same way, to know that I see you.  I know what it feels like.  And I know how hard it is to make your way out of the sadness.  There is an art to letting go, a place that you must get to in order to breathe freely again, to know that tomorrow might not be incredible, but it can be hopeful.  Know that it may be a long time until you feel yourself again, but you’ll get there.  The art of letting go can begin today, if you let it.

Collectively, I hope we find hope again.  I hope we look at our societies with pride again.  I hope we can create lives that make us feel inspired again.  I hope that tomorrow is a better day and I hope that as we make our way through these historic times together, we remember that everyone is dealing with a private pain, everyone has something they’re struggling with.  And at the end of the day, be kind.  Fill your lives with love and remove anything that doesn’t bring you peace.  Fill your days with hope and and maybe together, we can come out the other side, stronger than we ever were.