I’ve talked before here on LOM about my decision to not have kids of my own and knowing at a very early age that that traditional path just wasn’t for me. I’ve heard all the comments from people imaginable: “you’ll change your mind,” “you’ll miss out on so much,” “but what will you do with your life?” And while I have specific answers to all those questions and more, I’m always shocked that in 2018 as a self-sufficient, independent and successful woman, I’m still subjected to people’s opinions on the matter. The truth is that kids just aren’t for me and I’m being true to myself by making that choice, that’s the long and short of it. I firmly believe that I’m not missing out on anything that isn’t right for me and in actuality, the things I’m able to do in my life might be things that someone who has kids misses out on and as for what I’ll do with my life? Well I’m pretty excited with what’s yet to come and the things I’ll get to do. Kids aren’t for everyone and instead of pushing that path on other people or making women feel bad for following their own path, we need to support each other and stand up for the different paths we’ll all take throughout our lives.
I could go on and on about the reasons I have chosen not to have kids of my own, but today I want to talk about something else – the truth about what happens when you decide to not have kids. After all the comments are made and the looks of puzzlement on peoples’ faces pass, what happens next is not often talked about and I want to share my experiences the past few years in the hopes that someone else out there might be feeling the same way and will know they aren’t alone.
In the past couple of years, all of my close friends have had kids. I’ve followed their journeys of trying to have kids, of having them and then of raising them. I’ve grown to love their kids, see them at different stages and celebrate milestone birthdays, buying them fun little trinkets from our travels all around the world and slipping them whipped cream in my kitchen when their parents are busy. I’ve watched as my friends have become parents and talked about their journeys, the hardships and joys. And don’t get me wrong, I love all of that. I love being a part of these kids’ lives, I love having the opportunity to offer another perspective to them as they get older and I love seeing my friends grow in their new roles as parents. But I won’t lie, this time in my life has also been incredibly isolating. What no one tells you when you choose not to have kids, is that for a while, you’ll perhaps be the only person in your circle that’s on a completely different path and that’s sometimes really lonely.
It sort of all hit me last Summer when I had already had a really emotional year with a lot of relationships changing and I suddenly hit a point where I thought to myself, “Am I really making the right choice not having kids?” In truth I had never questioned my choice my whole life and always knew what was right for me, but after a year where a lot of people close to me really let me down, looking around I suddenly had a moment of doubt. It wasn’t that I had changed my mind, it wasn’t that I was really doubting what I knew in my heart was the right choice for me. In the end, after a lot of soul searching and thought, I realized that my answer hadn’t changed at all about having kids, but instead I was seeing in front of me that things were changing, relationships with the people in my life were changing, and for better or for worse, that was changing me. It wasn’t until my birthday trip to Paris last October when I finally realized after months of soul searching, that while this time in my life might be isolating, while my friends and people close to me might be moving onto new chapters of their lives by having kids, it just means that my path veers slightly knowing that.
So here’s the honest truth if you choose not to have kids of your own: There will come a time where a new era starts, it will start suddenly and hit you strong, when everyone around you suddenly diverges from your path. And you’ll be left alone on a completely different journey, not sure what’s ahead but sure it’s the right path for you. You’ll find yourself wandering alone for a while but eventually, those paths converge again ahead and you’ll find your way back to a point in time when your paths meet again with those people you love. The lesson along the way is not to doubt yourself, to know who you are and be ok with that, even if it means being on a different journey than everyone around you, even if it means being isolated and sometimes a little bit lonely. Because in the end, just because my path is different doesn’t make it any less beautiful.
Jenn says
I feel like we’re always on the same page with the no kid’s thing. This past year I also had a few moments when I asked myself if I was really making the right decision. Then I thought about all the things I still want to do in life and how I wouldn’t be able to do those things with kids. Like you, a lot of that stemmed from the fact that all but one of my closest friends now have at least 1 kid. I couldn’t be more thankful to have a friend who (at least the foreseeable future) doesn’t seem to be in a rush to have kids. Not because I don’t like my friend’s kids, but because I have someone to talk to when conversations turn to solid food and kid activities. But you’re right, it is hard. It’s hard feeling like you’re in a different place in life and it’s also hard feeling like you can’t talk about certain things without coming off as if you’re judging them for having kids (I would never judge anyone for this). So far, I’ve been lucky that most of my friends will still include us in kids things (there have been a few times we weren’t invited to birthday parties even before we moved away, and that stung a bit), and we still have a good relationship with our friends who have kids, but it is still a fear in that back of my mind that we’ll start drifting farther and farther apart.
Casey says
I so agree with everything you wrote. And yes, there is a camaraderie between us women who choose not to have children, because it seems we’re still far and in between with a choice that still isn’t all that common. This path is isolating, for better or for worse, and through no fault of anyone’s, it just is.
Kristin says
It’s amazing to me how much other people want to dictate what’s right for you. For us, we’d decided to have kids – but just not yet. We were asked when we were having kids when we got married, and answered the same thing all the time, not yet. And yet people freaked. Scott and I were 34 and 32 respectively when we got married, and when we said not yet, we were flooded with concerns that we didn’t have that much time yet, and we would miss out on so much, and much of the same things you mentioned. We just had a lot of living to do before adding little people to the mix. And we’ve found that people have flowed in and out of our lives as our lifestyles have meshed up. Friends drifted away as they started having kids, and then drifted back into our lives when the kids were old enough to leave with a babysitter or even come along. Now that we’re the ones on the pregnancy journey, we’re drifting away from friends and a lot of activities we used to do, but I have a feeling that will cycle around as well. I’m looking forward to getting my little man his first passport. I’m looking forward to adventuring with him and also letting him go on sleepovers or staying at Grandpa and Grandma’s. And those friends of ours who had kids early now have kids who are perfect babysitting age.
Casey says
Yea I think that’s the real lesson, life is an ebb and flow, some people will flow in and out depending on the circumstances and where we all are on our journeys. No one’s is better than the other, it’s just different!
akaflea says
Casey, I wish I could have articulated my feelings as eloquently as you did here about the decision to not have children. As someone who made this decision over 15 years ago, I can say with absolute certainty it gets better as you get older. I’m now 51 so no one asks when we’re having kids anymore. Ha! I did find it isolating when I was in my 30s and a little less so, in my 40s as I started making friends that were older than me. Now, I find I have friends and acquaintances that fall into all categories. No kids, kids in elementary school, college aged kids, empty-nesters, and/or grandparents. Life is interesting that way. I know it was the right decision for me and most of us don’t make the decision lightly. It takes courage to walk a slightly different path, but as you said, it doesn’t make it any less beautiful! Thank you for this post!
Casey says
I love this. I hear this from a lot of women in their 40’s and 50’s that have made the same choice as me and it’s so encouraging to hear! Thank you!!! 🙂
Faith Morgan says
Thank you so much for articulating this. I decided at a very young age (like 8 years old) that I didn’t want to go down the traditional mother route and have been hearing all these comments and more ever since (my favourite… “you’re so selfish for not having kids”… ummmmm?). I love travelling the world and making new friends but I am increasingly seeing that my older “best friends” are becoming no more than acquaintances as they start diverging, marrying, having kids… all the things, which makes me happy for them, makes me feel like my skin in crawling when confronted when considering it as an option for myself. But, there are silver linings. I am meeting new, like-minded people on the road and making a new circle of friends. Perhaps one day we will cross paths too…?
Casey says
I feel so much of the same for this… while people close to me are making choices that would never be right for me, it’s hard to diverge and go down your own path. But it’s so worth it to stay true to yourself! And yes! If you’re ever in the Pacific NW, let me know! 🙂
terra says
I’m on the no kid bandwagon too, and it’s been very, very interesting over the years. My local friends pretty much all have kids now, and there are times when I look around a dinner table and realize I’m the only one not coupled and with a kid bouncing on my lap. And that’s not great, not being I don’t want kids, but more because I just don’t feel like I belong in that circle. And then I have an incredible group of lady friends and none of us have or really want children and while we’re all geographically dispersed, we support each other in incredible and beautiful ways and that are – truly – the people who I want around when I’m old and gray. We’re plotting our Golden Girls Commune now. 🙂
Casey says
That’s so wonderful! Having so many different people in your life is truly the key!
Leanna @ Being Leanna says
I am so grateful for this post! I’m in the middle of this right now where all my friends are starting to have kids and get pregnant and i’m feeling incredibly isolated. I haven’t made the decision 100% to not have kids but I also don’t want to decide to have kids just because all of my friends are in that life stage. Thanks for making me feel less alone in my thoughts!
Casey says
So true! Having kids is such a personal decision and whatever’s right for you will be the right decision. It’s hard being the last one standing, but taking the time to really make that choice for you is what is so important!